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This was a joke until it wasn’t, but still kinda is. I present the Materialistic Conception of Fantasy Roleplaying.

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1.1 You are an adventurer. You have 1 HP.

1.2 You have 6 Shit slots and 6 Kit slots.

1.3 What is Kit? Kit is anything that you use to externalise your will. Swords, hammers, rope, etc. Relevant kit gives up to a +3 on Kit rolls, GM's discretion applies.

1.4 What is Shit? Shit is anything that affects you inwardly. Knowledge, spells, resistances to magical or alchemical effects, etc. Relevant kit gives up to a +3 on Shit rolls, GM's discretion applies.

1.4.1 How do I physically store knowledge? It's called a book, try reading one sometime, it's good for you. But for real, if you do not possess a physical symbol of it, you do not get the mechanical benefit.

1.4.1.1 This is culturally true as well. Lost your Key to the City? Even if everybody saw the mayor give it to you a week ago, if you no longer have the key, they won't respect your authority anymore. Who knows, maybe you were stripped of it for some fucked up reason! Anyways, we can't give out concessions to people just because they used to have a badge or a key or whatever, we need proof. Otherwise it's a slippery slope innit? For similar reasons fraud is one of the greatest taboos you can commit.

1.5 Noodly stuff: Coins can go in either Shit or Kit, 200 of any denomination per slot. Spells go in Shit, 1 page per slot. Badges of office/symbols of power/contracts are also Shit. Anything else, use your brain. I literally don't care.

1.6 Doing Stuff. If you have enough relevant shit and/or kit and you are not under significant temporal/physical/emotional duress you can just do it. Otherwise, make a Shit or Kit roll.

1.6.1 Shit/Kit Rolls both work the same but you cannot make a combined Shit/Kit roll. Pick one pool of items to roll from. If you roll under the amount of Shit or Kit you possess, you succeed.

1.6.1.1 DIfficulty is determined by die size. D4 = easy, possibility of failure under pressure D6 = moderately difficult D8 = likely failure etc. etc. etc.

1.6.1.2 Modifiers can be added by GM fiat, or by the specific Shit or Kit you have, up to a +3 bonus added to your effective Shit or Kit score per item. Acrobat slippers add +1 to performing a handspring in combat, a Gun adds +2 to threatening an enemy, etc.

1.6.1.3 Modifiers stack. Two relevant items both conferring +3 would give a total of +6.

2.0 Damage is instantly fatal. Remember, you have 1 HP. If you lose it, die.

2.1 You can optionally sacrifice Shit or Kit to not lose HP.

2.2 Kit is ablative. When you sacrifice it, it's gone. Remove it from your inventory.

2.3 Shit is reparable. Repair cost/procedure depends on the nature of item. Until then, it's useless garbage.

3.0 Initiative, as a rule of thumb, is determined by how much Shit and Kit you have. Lowest S+K total goes first, followed by second lowest, etc.

3.1 An item might let you go first, e.g. amphetamines or boots of speed.

4.0 Advancement is achieved through nesting shit and kit.